Ikea Instructions to Build Trump’s Wall

by MARK WILSON

I know, I know, President Trump’s border wall looks expensive, ineffective, environmentally damaging, and impossible to build—a literal monument to xenophobia. And what does America generally do when it finds itself facing such a domestic quandary?

It hops in its crossover and drives to Ikea.

Behold, the Börder Wåll—an Ikea breakthrough from the parody site The Pastillon. (OK, to be more clear in this confusing era of fake news, no, it’s not real.) Presumably, it arrives in a very, very, very long, flat-pack box, that for the relatively low cost of $9,999,999,999.99, comes with everything President Trump needs to build his partition from any vestige of humanity. That includes 471,612 boards, 313,329 rounds of barbed wire, 3,772,896 of Ikea’s Metric Screw #105236 (do not lose one!), and, of course, a single allen wrench.

Critics may point out that Trump could save countless taxpayer dollars by hacking together 500,000 Ikea tables, but this is an all inclusive package. Just buy it so we can grab some KÖTTBULLAR balls and leave this god-forsaken Nordic store already? Women have amazing rights in Sweden and we don’t want it rubbing off. Seriously, do you want to be caught bragging about Apprentice ratings in a BABYBJÖRN?

Though before you get started on the build, just a little warning to our commander and chief: Dude, I know, Ikea makes those instructions look so easy. But trust me, it’s waaayyyy harder to build a HEMNES bookshelf than you’d expect. And this is, like, a 1,900-mile HEMNES bookshelf, potentially with a few POÄNGs thrown in. You and Melania do not need that extra drama. Because if you think you can screw up a domestic improvement project this large and still convince her to move into the White House, you’ve got another thing coming my friend.

So maybe you could just order a bunch of the very real Ikea refugee sheltersand call it a day?